Squeak’s Squeals

As I covered in yesterday’s spewing forth of pointless drivel, I will soon be breaching my next decade of life. As I spiral uncontrollably toward my own demise, I can’t help but wonder why no one told me about the female body phenomena which would inevitably begin at this point in my life. I know women can be horrid, conniving, back-stabbing psychopaths, but my own mother!? My own sisters!? My best friends!? No one, but NO ONE, filled me in on the parts of life for which I needed the most preparation. We’ll count them down backwards to build the suspense.

5. Granny Sweaters. It seems, for whatever reason, as a woman ages, she develops a fashion block by which granny sweaters become the ultimate in everyday wear. I actually ASKED for a granny sweater for Christmas last year. Why? Because my OLD one had worn through in several places and I was getting strange looks donning it at the grocery store. They are warm, which is wonderful now that my body seems to no longer produce its own heat. And since I can’t always wrap myself in a blanket to venture outside, my granny sweater is a miracle worker.

4. Skin Tabs. You know…. weird little bits of flesh that simply give up on life and decide to ban together to form a bizarre protrusion from random parts of your anatomy. Arms, chest, neck, legs… no part of your body will be safe. They are everywhere and the only way to get rid of them is to cut them off, twist them off or otherwise mutilate yourself to exterminate these vermin. Which in turn leaves you with lovely little scabs which later turn to tiny little scars. And they bleed - a lot. And it hurts. I do not recommend nail clippers as a viable option for skin tab removal.

3. Arthur-itis. You WILL one day be able to predict the weather by the pain in your knuckles. “Pass me some Advil, there’s rain a-comin’!” And oh, how I await the day my hands become gnarled little lumps of geriatric carnage!

2. Body shape. Remember the lithe, curvaceous, sexy little momma you’ve been thus far in your adult life? Well, kiss her goodbye, chicas! You are about to enter the realm of the pear asses. While there once was a time you had boobs, a waist and hips, you will now be unburdened of the tedium of a waistline. From here on out, it’s just boobs and hips. Pack on a few pounds and it will be hard to distinguish between the two. You will know the moment has arrived the first time a man gropes your belly in the dark, looking for a nipple.

1. Facial Hair. This is the most upsetting part of the aging process. No one ever mentioned it. I had to discover it all on my own. No matter how fair haired and flawlessly complected you may be now - or may have been in the past - you will start sprouting randomly generated facial hair. It will start with one weird little stub on your chin. It will work its way up your face - above your lip, between your eyebrows and begin shooting out of moles and “beauty marks”. It is sad, but true. Stock up on wax, bleach and tweezers now. You’re going to need them.

Shave your beard, don your sweater and bring your gnarled hands to Humor-Blogs.com.