Squeak’s Squeals

Today, JB and Roo went to Pittsburgh with their daycare and spent the day at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History. I am now pleased to present to you little known naturally historical facts:

A giant space rock from outer space came flying past the moon and landed in the ocean. When it went in the ocean, it made the waves great big so the volcanoes flew way up in the sky and dumped glowing red water all over the Earth. When the dinosaurs saw the red water, they all laid down and took a nap. Then the people came and made big holes to put them in so we could dig them up and put them together like puzzles. And that’s how the dinosaurs died.

There was a man on a camel and he had a spear. He killed a mommy lion and he tried to kill the daddy lion, but the baby lion got away and it’s still alive. And that’s why there are still lions, but there aren’t any dinosaurs because some man with a spear went and killed all the dinosaur babies and they died.

Once, there was a guy who was very famous and he made a statue out of a woman, but he forgot to put her clothes on and he called it a ‘work of art’. He called it that because he’s still working on it and it won’t be finished until he puts her clothes on. People aren’t supposed to be naked outside a museum where kids can see them. But it might not have been a guy. It was probably a girl because girls like to make pictures of other girls. And you can tell the statue is a girl because it has big boobs and a pee-bug.

When you go to a zoo, all the animals are alive. When you go to a museum, they kill them all first so they’re dead. Then they try to make them look like they’re alive. They should really just close the museum and let the animals live at the zoo.

Here’s hoping it tickled you as much as it did me. Until next time….

...there's more kid crud at humor-blogs.com.

Well, folks, in an epic let down, I am afraid there is not much to post about the trip that had me so worried last week.

Ultimately, the conversation went something like this:

Doc: “So, your mom tells me we have a lot in common.”

Me: “So she says…”

Doc: “Do you hunt?”

Me: “No.”

Doc: “Do you fish?”

Me: “No.”

Doc: “Do you like to camp?”

Me: “No.”

Doc: “Oh. I guess we don’t have too much in common then, huh?”

Me: “Nope.”

From there, I stuck my nose into the final installment of my current nerd fantasy book series and read the rest of the trip. I sat with my kids for the ride home.

Don’t get me wrong, Doc is a very nice man. We just have nothing in common. And he looks like Humpty-Dumpty. I try not to judge people based on looks, but honestly, I can’t get past the fact that the man resembles a giant egg. I’ve tried.

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My 6-year-old daughter went on a field trip yesterday. They went to Punxsutawney, PA. Yes, my friends, Punxsutawney - the woodchuck capital of the world - the home of the single most famous groundhog in the history of groundhogs, Punxsutawney Phil. You know, the poor little tormented creature who is pulled from his hibernation every February 2nd to predict the weather based on whether or not he sees his shadow.

They took the kids to the Punxsutawney Weather Station to learn all about predicting weather. They took them through a walking display tour about the infamous dirt rat himself. They proceeded to tell bus loads of first graders the lore surrounding everyone’s favorite subterranean rodent.

If I had been the one telling the tale, I would have told the kids something to the effect of “The ‘real’ Punxsutawney Phil died many, many years ago. Today’s groundhog is really the great-great-great grandson of the ‘real’ Punxsutawney Phil.”

Wikipedia describes it this way: “…there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and … he has made weather prognostications for 122 years as of 2008…every summer, Inner Circle members feed Phil a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Punch, which he must drink to maintain his immortality (in natural circumstances a groundhog could never live more than 10 years or so).”

But how did the top-notch weather station tour guide explain it? “Punxsutawney Phil is dead. We bring him back to life twice a year.” One ressurection, I would assume, is for his annual prediction. The second - again assuming here - is for some bizarre public appearance.

Roo was nearly in tears when she stepped off the bus last night. She told me what the weather dork had conveyed to them and proceeded with, “Mommy, I watched Timmy Turner. I know what happens when you bring dead animals back to life…”

For those not familiar with Timmy Turner, he is a character from “Fairly Odd Parents” - a cartoon on Nickelodeon. In one particular episode of the show, Timmy makes a wish that everything in his mother’s garden will come to life. And everything does - including the garden-buried corpses of departed pets.

Roo continued, “…when you bring dead animals back to life, they turn into zombies and they eat your brains! And they try to kill your parents!” At this point, she started sobbing uncontrollably.

Way to go, weather station dude. Way to make a little kid cry. I hope you feel like more of a man now, knowing that you have terrified first graders all over the county. I hope you sleep better at night knowing you have effectively caused an entire generation of children to live in fear of the dreaded weather-predicting-brain-eating-zombie-dirt-rat. And I genuinely hope you lose your job. Really, I do.

There are no zombies at Humor-Blogs.com.